Life changing decision

Reflection:
I've lived my life pretty much on a hit and miss basis. Basically going with the flow of life; dealing with each day as it comes; hoping the my choices were good ones. I relied on my inner voice and traditional upbringing to make good choices in what I did. As I matured, I continued to make decisions based on the world around me. Some were great and some were pretty bad. But I hope I learned from my mistakes. I've been very lucky in some sense but not so in others. Marriage was not lucky, but having my two children was very lucky. Motherhood and all that comes with it, was a eye-opening experience. I think it gave me time not to think about myself but to nuture my little ones until they had little ones of their own. I loved being a mother until they were teenagers. Then I questioned my sanity. I never thought I would be the same. But I got through it. And I really don't know how. ("one day at a time", I guess) Then one day out of the blue, my children were normal again, I was normal again. I was their "Mom" once more then life continued. And I began to think of myself again.


I've worked most of my life. In the early days in one job or another just to make extra cash. After the divorce, I sought out some security and stablity in a job. As a single Mom I needed money and security so I landed a job working for the federal government. It gave me benefits for myself and my children. So it was a good decision at the time. I spent 23 years working in one department (with a few position changes in between - just to make it bearable). The only reason I stayed was a little fear and the old hated word "familiar". After my children were grown and gone I was afraid to leave since I had so many years in and I was working towards a good pension. (I hope it will be good or at least good enough) As the years crept up on me, I began to realize I wasn't young enough to compete in the outside world and not old enough to leave all my ambitions behind. So I remained in a job I didn't really like to pay the bills.


Contemplation:
Next year (OMG, in 9 months!) I will be 60 years old. I don't feel that old but the life chart says so, so I guess I will be. I started working towards my pension late, so I have to wait until I'm 60 to get a pension without penalties. Anyway, I want to retire now, but I'm not sure. Even though life can go by pretty quickly, nine months seems like FOREVER.


I'm sitting on a branch of life waiting for the right moment when I will either fall off or jump to another branch. Falling off is not in my immediate plans. But when is it the right moment to jump? When will I know for sure? I want to retire tomorrow but what if I don't have enough money to live on for the rest of my life. I'm making good money now. My pension will only be half of what I am making. Will it be enough? I've already calculated and re-calculated my money situation. I should be ok. As long as nothing major happens. Whatever major is??? I'm not a big shopper. I don't really need anything and I will have a little in a savings account just in case.


I'm not afraid of what to do with myself when I retire. I have a list of projects that would keep me busy for the rest of my life (and longer). I have my grandsons that I love more than life itself, that I can spend time with and play with and watch grow up. I have a passion for writing that would keep me somewhat creative. So the fear of what to do is not in my universe.


Aside from getting one pay each month (oh god!), what else do I have to worry about. Why am I inching closer to the end of the branch and not jumping to the next one? Fear! Plain and simple. Why? I don't know. I have been looking forward to retirement for last 10 years. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I was going to do it. I've been looking forward to "freedom" from the daily grind of going to work, doing I job I don't like and flitting my life away...just waiting for the day when I can say "I resign!" So what's stopping me. What's stopping me from going into work and saying, "Okay, that's it, I resign!"


Hmmmm, good question. Every night I say to myself the same thing, "I'll sleep on it and maybe tomorrow, I'll know." Everyone I talk to who has retired, told me I would love it. And most of them have a spouse. Don't get me wrong. I'm not afraid to be alone. Not at all. I love it and I love the freedom. I have a good life and I'm happy with it. The difference between them and me is that if they feel they've made a mistake, they have someone to fall back on financially and for moral support. I don't. Maybe that's the nagging fear I have. That nagging fear-bug that bites me every now and again.

Well I'll end tonight's blog with "I'll sleep on it and maybe tomorrow I'll know"